Self-care without self-love is just going through the motions.

Hey friends, it’s good to be back after a little hiatus from writing.  I want to plunge right in and talk about some stuff that came up for me this weekend.  I seem to often get clarity about things when I leave my familiar surroundings.  (I recommend this, by the way.  Your brain starts thinking differently in new settings, it doesn’t get hijacked by your errands or things you should do around the house.  Instead you are forced to look at the stuff you may prefer to avoid.  Although initially a little scary, pretty powerful in the long run.)  Anyway, this weekend it hit me why self-care is so damn hard!  We often don’t actually believe we deserve it.  Yup I said it.  I can give you all the tricks and tips for squeezing a little “me” time into your life, but you aren’t going to make it a priority if you don’t actually believe that you deserve this.  You may not even know you think this.  I sure didn’t realize it myself.  But if you aren’t practicing self-love and self-forgiveness, I promise you’re going to have a hard time prioritizing yourself at all.  It’s just not going to happen.

So in case it would help to hear someone else say you deserve love, compassion, kindness and care towards yourself, I am happy to be that person for you.  You deserve this.  I don’t care what your past looks like.  I don’t care if you feel like a horrible person most of the time.  I don’t care if you don’t think you deserve it, I’m hear to tell you, you do.  The problem is, it doesn’t really matter if I think this.  You need to believe you deserve this, and I can’t make that happen for you.  So if this resonates, allow me to offer this tip: fake it till you make it.  Pretend that you believe you deserve practicing kindness towards yourself.  Or treat yourself like you would a loved one, or a beloved friend.

Self-love like self-care can be demonstrated in so many different ways:

-Eat healthy foods, that fuel you rather than those that spike your blood sugar and then rapidly depress you

-Forgive yourself for past mistakes- don’t let the shame consume you anymore. Name them, own up, and forgive yourself.  Maya Angelou has a wonderful quote about this, “Do the best you can until you know better.  Then when you know better, do better.”

-Send love to your physical scars- put your hands on those scars, talk to them gently and lovingly.

-Attempt body positvity- don’t focus on what you don’t like about your body, highlight what you do like!

-Stretch! Get your body moving and oxygen and energy flowing throughout it, feel gratitude for it

-Write a letter to your “younger you.”  Be a big brother/sister to them, and write what you wish you could have told them

-Get a massage, acupuncture, Reiki- get the energy moving, and let your body feel pampered, appreciated

-Be aware of how substances make you feel after you partake.  Remember alcohol is a depressant so if you are struggling with feeling down that may not be the best go to.

-Create self-love rituals- ex: taking a bath by candlelight and bubbles

-Be in dialogue with yourself and pay attention to how you are talking to yourself without judgment, redirect where necessary

Everything takes practice folks.  Self-love and self-care are skills, which is great news!  We CAN get better at both.  See what you can implement into your life this next week.  And remind yourself you deserve it.

Take care of YOU.

 

A brief hiatus until September…

Dear friends,

You may have noticed that my blog posts have been more sporadic this summer.  As part of my self-care I have spent a lot of weekends away from the city.  This has been wonderful and has allowed me to recharge.  This has also meant that my weekend errands have been left for the week days.  So in an effort to not overwhelm myself, I am taking a brief hiatus from the blog until my summer gets less busy.

I will be back at it in September, as I have much more to write!  Enjoy the rest of your summer lovelies.

Take care of YOU.

Learning how to thoughtfully disconnect.

When I write these posts they are usually based on what I need to hear in the moment.  This past week I’ve been trying to listen to what I need, and finally I heard it on Monday after a nice little run-in with a migraine.  The message was finally clear, I needed a break from constantly interacting with the human race.

There used to be a time when you could go days without a soul knowing where you were.  For some I’m sure that sounds scary, but for the rest of us, we might feel a little nostalgic about that.  Imagine not having to answer texts, respond to comments or posts, or answer calls when someone ELSE was ready.  We were given and allowed time to respond to things.  If you wrote a letter, you’d have to wait for a response, and there was no guarantee how long that would take.  We learned the art of patience.

Well this week I’m starting to acknowledge that cell phones and everything associated with them: texting, social media, etc are taking it’s toll on me.  I might be doing fine or most likely recovering from life and get a text that suddenly becomes the focus of my day.  I could’ve literally been having a restorative moment, and in a flash it’s gone.  To be fair, that is something I also have to work on (and am working on).  The art of not letting things linger in my brain longer than is necessary is a hard one for me.  (Highly recommend the workbook Mind Over Mood by the way, and oldie but goody.)  But there’s also something to be said about protecting your peace and your time.

I hear parents talk about how much screen time they allow their kids.  But I do wonder, are we not parenting ourselves?  If we were to calculate how much screen time we occupy in a day, my guess is we’d be a tad embarrassed.  I know I would.

So what’s the solution?  In my case I want to consciously limit my accessibility when my body and mind are telling me it’s “recharge” time.  This means I have to pay better attention to how I feel, and then honor how I feel without judging it or wishing I had more capacity.  Because there are plenty of folks who do not get as drained from this as I do.  That’s great!  That’s them though.  One of my favorite quotes that I sometimes have to repeat to myself like a mantra is “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  This also means that I will have moments where I will need to redirect myself when I realize I haven’t been honoring my commitment to recovery and recuperation.  It’s a journey, people.

So while this may not be your need this week, I encourage you to notice and honor where you could allow your mind a little more peace this week.

Take care of YOU.

 

 

Happy International Self-Care Day!

Don’t worry, it was news to me too! But here it is, so just like every holiday where a big flashlight is suddenly focused on whatever the theme is, let’s embrace this holiday week by overdosing in self-care.

Where can you infuse a little more self care in your day/week? Be really specific to this particular week. It’s easier to actually act on it when you take it day by or week by week, instead of proclaiming “from now on I will…!” And remember if it’s not on your calendar you are more likely to forget or cancel on your self-care plans.

So look at your calendar right now. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Look at tomorrow’s plans, is there anything on your schedule that you are excited about? If yes, great! Hold yourself to it! If no, thank goodness you are looking because now is your chance to brainstorm on how to sprinkle in a little joy tomorrow. If this is hard for you, think back to a particularly great day or week you had. What about it felt joyful or rejuvenating? How can your incorporate that or a portion of that into your day?

Just a little tip: Don’t wait for the final hour of the day to finally practice self-care. You may be too spent to appreciate it.

Ok fine, one more tip: If you’re feeling “blah” try pushing yourself outside your comfort zone. Talk to someone you’ve been curious to talk to, engage that senior citizen who just smiled when you looked at them, practice random acts of kindness on someone who is also looking “blah.” Allow yourself to feel nervous or excited and push through anyway. At the very least you are shaking things up again and waking yourself up to the potential of human connection that is all around you.

Ok friends, good luck this week!

Take care of YOU!

Adults need “emotions posters” too!

Have you ever seen that poster of different emotions that kids are given in preschool so that they can better identify how they feel?  I need that poster.  Adults need that poster.

Recently I’ve acknowledged that I often get so overwhelmed with emotion that I’m not able to think clearly.  I can’t always identify what is specifically bothering me or what I need.  It has made me realize I want a better understanding of my emotions so that I can grow and not feel so overwhelmed or out-of-control so frequently.  As stated in the last blog post, the good news for me, and you if you relate, is that this is something we can get better at.  We just have to start paying better attention to ourselves.

First off, we have to start paying attention to what our bodies feel like when experiencing certain emotions.  These are clues that something is coming up for us.  For instance, when we don’t notice the tension in our jaw, or an increase in our pulse, we may say something we regret before we have even given our minds a second to process what’s actually going on for us.  Getting to know how you experience certain emotions is a crucial part of this process.  It’s a beacon signal telling us to slow down, and get all the facts first.

Anger and frustration can be all encompassing emotions that can fool you because they aren’t specific enough; they require a little more examination.  They are much more complex than “I’m pissed off” or “soooo irritated.” You can be angry and also: sad, disappointed, scared, guilty, hurt, jealous, anxious, embarrassed, worried, etc. Growth happens when you can look beyond the obvious emotion and see what’s really happening with the hidden emotion.  This is where the good stuff happens.  This is where growth happens.

The next time you feel anger surface, make a point to put a pin in that moment and re-examine what was going on later, especially if right then is not the time to process it all.  Now I know I’m a self-care nerd, but I want to get better, so this kind of homework excites me, because it means that a healthier me is on the horizon. I want the same for you.

Over the past month, I’ve started unpacking certain scenarios where my emotions surprised me and I’ve discovered so much more hidden beneath that initial reaction.  By honestly exploring what was surfacing for me, I’ve been able to see some old wounds that have needed some healing.  Some of the wounds are nearly on the mend and others need a little more TLC.  But the good news is they are no longer festering in the form of reactionary anger.

Now full-disclosure, I am dealing with this through the help of a therapist, and my own self-reflection.  I have realized that on my own, I didn’t have enough tools.  So if you need more tools, and I encourage you to reach out to a professional and seek guidance.  You’ve got this.

Take care of YOU.

Developing Your Emotional Intelligence.

Very recently I’ve had some situations where my emotional intelligence has been tested. And depending on many factors I’ve either nailed the test or failed miserably.  So I am now working on some growth in that area.  What is emotional intelligence? According to Daniel Goldman, author of “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ”:

“Emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive emotions; to access and generate emotions so as to assist thought; to understand emotions and emotional knowledge; and to reflectively regulate emotions so as to promote emotional and intellectual growth.”

Sounds great right?  And here’s the good news, this is a skill you can get better at! So if you are someone who feels all fuzzy in the brain when stress hits, getting more in touch with your emotional intelligence is a good place to start.  Or if you fly off the handle at the first sign of frustration, or internalize everything (and often get sick) or emote everything or very little this is a good area to begin.  In general having a high EQ will only help you.  Now I am no expert, so I will get you started by passing along some information I’ve learned and then share some resources so you can continue your research.

Now for some folks emotional intelligence may have been mirrored to you in childhood.  You saw healthy examples of expressing emotion.  For others, you might have been told that “crying was only for babies,” that any display of anger was “acting out or disrespectful” etc.  If this was the case, it’s going to take a little more work to rewire your brain, but it’s not impossible.  In fact, you’ve probably been working on this, well before I wrote this post.  So let this be supplemental info to the work you’re already doing.

Every day our rational mind and emotional mind are in battle. The issue lies when we are not aware of it. Now there are times when a quick reaction is key to your survival. Fight or flight. If you are alone on a dark path and you sense danger, I don’t recommend processing it. Take care of yourself, and do it fast. However, there are going to be other times when it’s crucial that we do some inner checking in before we react and let whatever emotion we are feeling overtake us.

In fact, I had to work on that just now in line for the ATM. I’m pretty sure the guy in front of me was using every function the ATM is capable of.  And while my New Yorker impatience started to kick in, so did my ability to notice my emotions instead of letting frustration take over. This doesn’t mean I then imploded internally. Instead I took a beat, assessed the situation and paid attention to what I was thinking. As I felt my blood pressure rise, I paused and noticed my thought.  Are you ready for it?  It was pretty lame.   I was thinking, “I have to get to my nail appointment, I really don’t have time for this, why is he doing this to me?!” Yikes. C’mon Esther. But that’s legitimately where I went. Once I paid attention to my thoughts and my heightened emotions, I was able to come back down to earth and look at the facts. I was not late, and if this made me late, there were 5 more places within walking distance.  I also reminded myself there is no time limit at the ATM so it was time to let it go.  Also, this wasn’t personal, he had stuff to do!  I then took a couple of breaths, and suddenly he was done.

Can you relate to this?  When was the last time you almost popped off on some unsuspecting stranger because you let frustration take over?  This is a small example and I’m not going to really be able to tap into this topic without going on and on so I encourage you to research further.  I might also dive in a little deeper on my podcast in an upcoming episode ( Self-care with Esther on Apple Podcasts, Spotify etc).  But if this has you intrigued at all, here are some resources:

“Emotional Intelligence: Use CBT to understand and manage your emotions and live a happier life” by Christine Wilding

“The Emotional Intelligence workbook” by J. Dann

“The Art of Happiness” by H.H. Dalai Lama

“Brilliant Emotional Intelligence” by T. Hasson

Good luck on your emotionally intelligent journey!  And be kind to yourself, every incident you come across is a learning experience.  Allow yourself to investigate your reactions and emotions and be fascinated by your thoughts instead of appalled.  We are still students of life, whatever our age.

Take care of YOU.

Hi everyone,

I’m taking a break from writing this week.  But I do have a new podcast episode up about protecting your energy, geared especially towards empaths and those that love empaths.

You can find the episode on Apple podcasts or just google Self-care with Esther and something will come up.  In meantime don’t forget:

protect your energy

Take care of YOU!